Ask Fite

The Dog Food Diet

Too Hilarious not to Share!!!

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my
loyal pet Angel the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out
of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was
essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load
your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every
time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works
well and I was going to try it again (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

The Moped

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'
 
'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'

'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.

The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?'
 
'No problem,' replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right...
But I'll stick with my Moped!' 

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

This was sent to me by a friend and was too funny not to share!

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper.  He came to us in the
summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program.  For those of you,
who are unfamiliar with this type of adoption, imagine taking in a 10
year old child about whom you know nothing and committing to doing your
best to be a good parent.

Like a child, the dog came with his own idiosyncrasies.  He will only
sleep on the bed, on top of the covers, nuzzled as close to my face as
he can get without actually performing a French kiss on me.

Build It and They Will Come!!

A Family that lives on the outskirts of Anchorage, Alaska decided to build a sturdy, colorful playground for their 3 and 4 year old sons. They lined the bottoms with smooth-stone gravel all the way around to avoid knee scrapes and other injuries. They finished building it one Friday evening and were very pleased with the end product. The following morning, the mom was about to wake up the boys and have them go out to play in their new play center. This is what she saw from the upstairs window on the way to the boys room:

A Mother's Nightmare

Dear Mom,

I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.

I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.

His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.

We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs, sex and Rock and Roll. I hear that this was big with some of your generation as well.

Wish us luck
Danielle

P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.

Xx

How to Give Your Cat or Dog a Pill

CAT:

1.    Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As the cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2.    Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat step 1.